Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
