You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
Randomize
