I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Randomize
