I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
Randomize
