apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
Let's get the cat blown out
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
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