his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
