Great. Don't do shady things like that ok?
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
Please note that in response to your post about your dog's jaws clamped hard around a stick, I did not comment, "Takes after his dad." You're welcome.
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Randomize
