I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
By talk him into it I assume you mean blow him into it.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
