no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
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