no, he came in my armpit
i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
Randomize
