Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
