I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
