drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
He's getting better. i'm using GuitarHero to teach him how to finger me. My clit = the red tab.
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
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