im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
This is the high leading the old right now
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
be right there i have to get my cape
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Randomize
