When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
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