I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
Shitshow foam night was such a success
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
