the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
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