Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
