god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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