This dress was meant to end up on your floor
There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
that's an acceptable place to lick
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
Randomize
