I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
