a queef is a wish your heart makes.
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
Randomize
