you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
I can't believe I wasted a google wave invite on her.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
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