wrigley field is MILF paradise
either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
