The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
Randomize
