During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
