Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
he's been 21 for 38 minutes and he's already trying to fist fight this dude over his girl
awwwww babys first drunken mistake
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
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