I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
does 2pm fall under the wake n bake category?
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
Randomize
