420 ftw
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
Do you know of any good hiding spots in the Atlanta area?
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
