I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
It was a blind-side dick pic.
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
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