my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
Brb crying the tears of my youth
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
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