You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
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