five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
Randomize
