first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
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