Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
