apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize
