1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
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