i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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