I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
