Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
OPIZZABONMYDICK
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
