Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
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