I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
Randomize
