Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
okay, please tell me Cammy is the one who put the picture and note on my desk saying "beat off to this homeboy"
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
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