As long as they suck a good dick I don't care what fruit they have and where they have it
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
We need a shit load of segways right now
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
