You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
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