I'm pants shitting drunk right now
When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
Randomize
