how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
Question. If Kwik Trip and Kum and Go were to merge, what would they call it? Kwik Kum or Kum Kwik?
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
We made a drinking game out of Project Runway. Gay guys are so fun.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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