he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
i used baking grease as lip gloss
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Randomize
