I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
