You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
did you just send me my own nude
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
