I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
Randomize
