I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
Drunk is not a location!
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
Randomize