She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
