yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
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