Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
I looked at my own cervix.
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
I can't ever handle being "that girl" again. At least not until next semester.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
Randomize
