On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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