Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
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