quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
Randomize
