Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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