Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
Randomize
