It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
Randomize
