my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
I hate all girls vehemently.
Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
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