Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
I think I sprained my soul last night
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
Okay so as of now, we may either be coming for one night, two nights, or not at all this weekend. It depends on Laura's toe and if I get my period. Will explain later
Randomize
