I'm laying in your front yard are you home
the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
So after i got done, she went over and got out her gecko, I felt like I was in an X rated geiko commercial.
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
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